Writing Process for Poem My Moonbeam Spills on Your Face

As a teenager, I often gazed at the moon and stars through my bedroom window. God’s creations bore witness of his love for me. I contemplated how I could personify this message in poetry.

I wrote my first draft entitled “I spill a moonbeam” during my high school freshman or sophomore year. The words came as a song. Whenever I shared this poem, I sang it. I sang this poem to a friend during a sleepover. She complimented my singing voice, which I had never considered as beautiful, just off-key.

My first draft reads thus:

I spill a moonbeam
Across your face
While you do dream
Of a heavn’ly place.

I stream in sunshine
Through your window,
And yet you whine
Of my sun’s glow.

I whisper to you,
“I love you so!
I really do.”
Yet you don’t know.

I weep from above.
I groan within:
“Remember my love!
Let yourself grin.”

Again my moonbeam
Shines on your face
While you do dream
Of a heavn’ly place.

I showed this poem to another friend. She noted that the “do” felt repetitive. She wondered why people added “did” and “do” to poetry. I figured the “do” belonged in the first stanza because it kept the rhythm. I didn’t remove it.

A few years ago, I compiled a nature booklet that I hoped to sell on Amazon. I asked a retired English teacher from my hometown to look it over. She suggested removing the “do.” Here are her suggestions:

Screenshot by Author

I finally gave up the “do” for the next beta reader. Here are her suggestions:

Screenshot by Author

This revision still lacked the poignancy I wanted, so my mind percolated on how to improve the poem for the last few years. Last month, I finally wrote a revision late at night.

Here was my revision process:

Photo by Author

Photo by Author

Without further ado, here is the final revision of my poem:

My moonbeam shines on your face
While dreams vanish without trace

My sunbeam streams through your window
You toss, turn, and hide under a pillow

My breeze stirs your hair
While you kneel in prayer

My raindrops fall on your head
My tears, your fears soon shed

My moonbeam shines on your face
Day to day, you grow grace to grace

Common Sense and Other Hackneyed Phrases

Via Public Domain Photos

In Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen comments through her characters on how hackneyed the phrase "violently in love" is for her era. We have other phrases that have become almost meaningless from overuse around 200 years later.

"Common sense" has been co-opted since Thomas Paine used it in the campaign during the American Revolution. Merriam-Webster defines it thus: "sound and prudent judgment based on a simple perception of the situation or facts." Dictionary.com includes more of innate virtue to common sense: "sound practical judgment that is independent of specialized knowledge, training, or the like; normal native intelligence."

"Common" is the word that is taken advantage of most. What is really considered common? Common is "normal" or "sound" or "practical." Truly it is in the mental dictionary of the speaker and listener. But "common" is different for each person's experience. Common sense is also mistaken for what the majority of the population wants. This phrase's hollowness struck me as I read Australians' comments and opinions about "common sense" in American newspapers and blogs this week. Americans "corrected" the Australians' misconceptions. Common sense in Australia is not necessarily common sense in the United States. 

Politicians try to pass laws using "common sense" legislation. We have to consider what is really "common" in the rhetoric. But this is also the argument of everybody is doing it, so you should too. Sometimes, we need to stand apart from the crowd when it is a matter of principle, even if it is a lonely position.

My software engineer husband often talks about how hollow the word "professionalism" is in the business world. At his first job, multiple bosses defined "professionalism" according to whatever whim they wanted at the moment. I think of professionalism as no swearing, no sexually suggestive jokes, and business casual dress.

Merriam Webster defines professionalism: "the conduct, aims, or qualities that characterize or mark a profession or a professional person." So that just leads down the rabbit hole of what is a profession and a professional and conduct. I googled the word professionalism for the definition; multiple articles appeared with many ideas on the whole package of how to dress, ethics, being on time,  continuing education, and so forth. Essentially, the meaning and execution of professionalism change from job to job and boss to boss.

Humans are a funny species. As far as we know, we are the only species that construct abstract ideas. With this abstraction, some words and ideas become very subjective. We can't concretely picture them or hold them. We just ruminate over the impossible.

How do you define common sense or professionalism?

What words/phrases do you consider hackneyed?

Texting, Chatting and Language

Via Public Domain Photos

I recently read Lynne Truss's Eat, Shoots and Leaves. I laughed reading the book. Like her, I need a permanent marker, paint, correction fluid, and so on to correct all the punctuation mistakes I see. Some "mistakes" are just a matter of style that Truss discusses in her book, especially commas.

I am a mix of a grammar Nazi, word nerd, and descriptive linguist. I watch where language goes and cringe at some usage (not grammar) mistakes. We need to have some structure going forward so we can communicate effectively across the generations.

I first heard about this book during my Modern American Usage class in 2006--the same year the iPhone came out. This book materialized in 2003, during an interesting technological period--texting had just become popular on cell phones, but smart phones hadn't come out yet.

Truss discussed how people thought the demise of language was at hand because of texting and chat room shorthand and emoticons. Not that people will ever stop mourning the demise of language since change is inevitable in a mortal world.

Do you think Neanderthals accused the first Neanderthal who scrawled on cave walls of destroying language?

Smartphones changed the text and chat-room shorthand trend only a few years after the book was written. Soon people switched their flip phones and full keyboard phones for smartphones. I held out for years and only switched to a smartphone 18 months ago.

Smartphones complete our words and sentences for us. Thus, we use shorthand less often, except Twitter and #hashtags. Our emoticons are actual pictures. Now auto correct causes us problems if we accidentally press the send button too soon.

Ah...language and technology.

Limericks from High School

“I have the biggest crush.”

A girl told her friend in a rush.

                “Who is the crush on?”

                “The coolest guy—Don.”

Don passed by causing the reddest blush

A woman who was very cruel

Could beat anyone in a duel.

                If you looked in her eye

                You would instantly die.

Deep, dark hatred was her fuel.

There was a young teacher at school

Who wasn’t strict about every rule.

                She’d tell a funny joke

                To every passing bloke.

If it were a boy, he’d spin on his stool.

A poor little man getting thinner

Couldn’t find a delicious dinner.

                A lion on the prowl;

                Its face set in a scowl.

Who do you suppose will be the winner?

The Initialism of RSV

Via Public Domain Pictures

The initial symptoms of RSV are the tickle in your throat, the congestion in your head, and the cough from your mouth. Then the entire family gets sick. The infant has trouble breathing and goes into the hospital for a day. Yay!

Anyway, RSV is an initialism, versus an acronym, that stands for respiratory syncytial virus. An acronym is said like a word instead of the individual letters. For example, BYU is an initialism for Brigham Young University, and SLCC (slick) is an acronym for Salt Lake Community College.

RSV seems like the common cold, but it is a different virus. It is nastier than cold viruses because it creates thicker mucus. Thus, babies have a harder time breathing. It generally last 10 days and peaks at 5 days. Don't trust my medical knowledge.

My husband caught the "cold," then my two older boys, then the two youngest boys and me. Just the common cold, I thought.

My husband was zonked for two weeks and is only just recovering.

The toddler had a fever all Thursday and Friday. He is usually bouncing off the walls, but he was lethargic for 24 hours. Friday morning, my husband took in the toddler, and I decided to join him with the infant. On a whim, I decided to get the smiley infant checked out too.

The medical technician took a few vitals, but instantly asked to see our infant's chest. She said he was retracting.

The nurse and the doctor rushed to see the infant. They took a look and sent us to the ER. They weren't as worried about the toddler. Just said to visit the urgent care with him later.

The ER doctor admitted my infant into the hospital because his oxygen saturation levels dipped. The mucus test results came back with RSV.

We never had anyone check our toddler.

On Saturday, I took my toddler into the urgent care. His oxygen saturation level was low, so they sent us to the ER. Again.

I bawled the entire drive over and for awhile at the ER. Would I have two kids in the hospital?

The ER doctor wasn't concerned about my toddler. Just gave us a prescription. So simple.

Luckily, my infant was able to come home on Saturday evening.

The Definition of Kool-Aid

"Carrot Juice..." by Ekaterina Sysoeva

A month ago, I had a craving for a fruity drink. I bought many Kool-aid packs and Crush single serve packets. It was a cheaper way to satisfy my craving...I thought.

Here comes the definitions of preteens and toddlers.

Preteens: those independent souls who pour themselves and leave open cups around the house.

Toddlers: the soul who declares independence who pours oneself and knocks over preteens' open cups.

So Kool-aid no longer has a good definition anymore.

It's new definition: my carpet's worst enemy.

Maternity Hiatus

"Sleeping Baby" by Anna Langova

Pregnancy wiped me out; thus, I haven't written for months. Since then I have been a zombie with a newborn. I had trouble sitting at the computer during my pregnancy. Now, I have a baby boy in my arms most of the time.

So I had my maternity hiatus. I have been thinking of the word 'hiatus' for awhile to use on this post. Pretty pathetic, I know. Ideas stew in my brain for months sometimes.

Hiatus first entered English to mean a "break or opening" in an object from Latin hiatus. Not until later did it actually mean "a gap or interruption in events" according to a 1610 dictionary.

Hiatus illustrates how a literal meaning can have a sense shift to a non-literal meaning. Meanings are in flux constantly in our living language.

Hopefully, I won't need a longer hiatus and will return to normal writing again.

It took me six months after my third boy to really get writing again. Sleep makes a big difference!

So here's to writing!

Online Eileen Dictionary